Saturday, December 31, 2011

Sayonara 2011!

Almost there!!!
Now that Christmas is officially a distant memory, I no longer have to keep up the cheery "I’m-so-happy-and-I-just-love-everyone-so-much-I-want-to-sing-Disney-songs" act. With New Year's only days away, I’m free to go back to being the normal, complaining girl that I know and love, sippin' on hatorade while I fight with my laundry.

That said, I feel that there are some things I need to get off my chest before 2011 comes to an end. I spent a good majority of this year idling around taking care of a baby; this resulted in plenty of extra time to consume an excessive amount of unimportant things like celebrity gossip, reality television and bad take out; and, like any other normal, mature adult, I immediately formed irrational and unreasonable opinions about everything and everyone I encountered. Since I'd like to start the New Year off with a clean slate, free of baggage so that I can start hating anew, I thought I would share with you all the short list of some of the things that I greatly disliked in 2011, from entertainment to my everyday encounters. In no particular order:

1. Breaking Dawn: Part 1
Twilight: Sucking the life out of good movies everywhere

2011 may have given us the best fantasy film of the year (Harry Potter duhhhhhhhh) but it also gave us the worst: Breaking Dawn. I'm not going to go into detail about why I think Stephanie Meyers single handedly ruined vampires forever (as any Anne Rice fan can attest to), all i will say is I HATE THE TWILIGHT SERIES!

From it's unoriginal dialogue to its ridiculous vampire/human/werewolf love affair, the Twilight series has irked me right from the start. Unfortunately, the world will have to endure one more installment of these terrible, talentless movies (based on equally terrible and poorly written books) in 2012 before we can bury this travesty for good. Edward Cullen may be hot it’s not enough to make up for the bad acting, the terrible script, and Kristen Stewart's oh-so shining and action packed personality
2. Ashton Kutcher

Need I say more?

Ashton Kutcher has been on my crap list since he stopped being Michael Kelso and started doing terrible romantic comedies a la Just Married, My Boss’s Daughter, and Valentine’s Day

This year, he decided to take it up a notch by shoving more examples of his bad acting down my throat (New Year's Eve, you will never be He's Just Not That Into You), and by trying to go toe to toe with Charlie Sheen for the Douche Of The Century award. Not only did he attempt to take The Warlock's place on what is now a craptastic television show called Two and Half Men but he also publicly screwed over his pretty, over botoxed wife with some little bleached blonde bimbo who's probably younger than Demi’s implants.

I’m so over him and his whole "look at me, aren’t I just so charmingly bashful with my Nikon camera and my long flowing hair" routine. He needs to stay behind the veil of Robot Chicken where he belongs.


3. Labor

Whoever said childbirth is beautiful has obviously never been through it

I can’t even begin to describe how painful it is to have knives simultaneously stabbing you in the lower back while also cutting through your abdomen for hours at a time. Did I mention I had unmedicated back labor? Thankfully for all of us, post-labor amnesia is preventing me from remembering anything else about that night. 

My advice to you? 

Don't do it.

4. Sleep deprivation


While we're on the subject of babies, let's not forget about the single most painful experience of the first year: sleep deprivation. One whole month of never getting more than 2 or 3 hours at a time in random spurts is a tortuous experience I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. Mood swings, freak outs, and the occasional hallucination are but a few of the side effects one experiences when trying to care for a newborn. Couple that with an inconsolable child who sometimes cries for hours at a time…the memory still haunts me.

5. Educational Television

TLC: Making Sarah Palin and abusive mothers look normal every day

This year, The Learning Channel TLC continued to dazzle me with valuable knowledge about tacky Gypsy weddings, finding the perfect $7,000 wedding dress and, perhaps most importantly, teaching me how to properly primp my young daughter for pedophile conventions in Toddlers and Tiaras

Historical Expert
Not one to be out shined, the History Channel also decided to be a wealth of information; over the past 12 months, I not only learned about the history of aliens in Ancient Egypt, but also about which fabled monsters aren't real (or are they?), and how Ice Road Truckers are "making history" everyday.

But perhaps the highlight of The History Channels' year in education was their never ending take on the future.I now consider myself an absolute authority on the many ways that the world will end when we enter an abrupt apocalypse next year, from the Earth changing its axis to a giant killer asteroid which is surely already on its way to destroy us; hey, as one fuzzy haired man with glasses who was clearly and expert said: "It's not if it will happen but when."

6. Fine dining Restaurants

Ummmm, can I just have a grilled cheese?

With little time or energy to cook for a majority of this year, I spent a lot of dinners ordering in or eating out. While most all of the food around here is great, a major pet peeve of mine soon became the overrated, overpriced fancy schmansy "fine dining" restaurants that charge $10 for a panini and a side leaf of spinach because the sandwich is topped with aioli (it's mayonnaise people!)

There’s nothing worse than going out for a nice lunch only to look at the ridiculous menu and not be able to pronounce any of the meals or even identify any of the ingredients. And worse--when I finally do take the plunge and order something that actually reads like it might be edible it inevitably comes out over saturated and soggy with herbs, spices, and sauces in what is obviously an overcompensating cooks attempt at showing off his "skills".

7. Forever lazy

The idea of tailgating a football game in a onesie with a butt flat continues to blow my mind.

8. Ringer

And I thought she couldn't get any lower than The Grudge

Shame on you Buffy for slapping all of your fans in the face with this god-awful, horribly boring “soapy thriller” about a drug addict who takes over the life of her rich twin sister after said sister (supposedly) commits suicide.  This snore of a television show not only has a ridiculous premise but, I’m sorry Ms. Gellar, you’re going to have to do a lot more than put your hair in a bun to convince me that you are a completely different character.

9. Snooki...for the third year in a row 
How much longer do we have to endure this???

Watching a little ball of cellulite run around Italy in Lycra costumes and stripper heels would be tolerable (and possibly even funny) if it hadn’t insisted on talking, screaming, and crying the entire time. 

I suppose that this wannabe Italian is merely milking the image of uneducated party girl “guidette” in order to get that nice fat paycheck MTV signs over to her. However, let’s just hope for her sake that our little 4’2 Weeble Wobble doesn’t continue to drink those checks away in the next few years; eventually, when America tires of her the same way we tired of the Flavor Flav and Rock of Love girls, she might have to come to terms with the fact that she’s a talentless mess who will stand a better chance of getting a day shift job at an Atlantic City strip joint than breaking back into Hollywood.

I'd probably have a little more sympathy for her if it wasn't for the fact that she knowingly glamorizes a disgusting life to impressionable little girls, and actually seems to enjoy doing so. Here's to hoping she spends 2012 in detox!

.   .   .

*Yes yes, I know that the best day of my life occurred earlier this year when my little Peapod was born, so it wasn't all bad; but try not to take the fun out of this for me, k? It's all I've got!!!!!!

Happy New Year!!!!!


  1. Totally agree, I always thought that Twilght saga nonsense sucked from the get-go. What a funny article. And so freakin TRUE!!

  2. I second every moment of this article. So true...

  3. Ahhh. So glad it's time to bitch and moan again. All the forced la la la of the holiday season has been exhausting for this irritable, pregnant bitch. Thanks for getting me going with all this stupid, useless 2011 crap!
    And I'm with you...I'm still trying to figure out what species snooki belongs to.

  4. I was overly pregnant myself during the holidays last year; pretending to be happy with a half broken back while everyone else runs around drunk on egg nog is a complete bummer!